By Mat Malarano
Well, my driving record has officially gone down the shitter.
I'm not sure if any of you other Uberusers have this law, but here in Connecticut, if you get 4 moving violations (speeding tickets, accidents, etc.) in a 3-year period, you must attend a driver retraining course and pay $60 to go otherwise your license gets suspended. Wow, my state sucks.
On my way back from work, I have to take I-95 home. Unfortunately, this stretch of highway has been under construction for the past year and a half, and the explosion in Bridgeport which melted the supports didn't help traffic much either. Basically, in the areas where there is construction, traffic is backed up terribly, and the speed limit goes down from 55 to 40.
I've already gotten 3 tickets in two weeks, since the cops are out in force. I've never seen anything like it. One time, I got a ticket for doing 80, and before I pressed down on the accelerator, I thought to myself, "There won't be any cops in this area."
Irony at it's best, my friends.
But this story revolves around how I avoided getting out of my 4th ticket. I had brought my car up to 70 in a 40 (I thought it was a 55) and a cop promptly appeared out of the shadows to pull me over.
"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed.
I brought my car to a halt, rolled down my window and that bright light appeared behind me as if to say, "Hey everybody! Look at this guy! I'm gonna fuck him up the ass!"
I hate that fucking light.
What was I going to do? I couldn't afford another ticket, I would have to pay $239 plus another $60 for the retraining. I couldn't take a day off from work to fight it and even if I did, the most that would happen would be me getting a reduced fine.
That wasn't enough. I had to get out of this.
Would I try and talk him out of it? Nah, that might just piss him off.
Bribe? No, I'd probably be paying more to get out of it than the ticket itself. Plus it's illegal.
Cry like a pussy? Hell no, I have my pride..... well..... actually, let's keep that thought aside.
As I saw the cop approach the car, my mind raced. What would I do!? I had to act quick.
It was then that I punched myself square in the face!
Just so that I don't come across like a complete psycho, let me fill you in on some information about me. I have a very sensitive nose. I suffer from spontaneous nosebleeds quite often, usually from the change from very humid to very dry weather.
Yes, I'm a classic geek. Laugh it up. Punching myself in the face did the trick, though, as my nose began to gush blood. I held my face up and sucked back all the blood. The officer walked up.
"Any idea how fast you were going, son?"
"Uhm, no officer. I can't see my speedometer."
"Oh. May I ask why?"
"Uh..... I have a really sensitive nose, and with all the dry weather, my nose started to bleed while I was driving. I'm really sorry, I've been trying to keep my speed reasonable. You wouldn't have any tissues, would you?"
The officer stared back at me blankly. I lowered my head a little bit and let some blood run down my face.
"Oh, jeez! Uh, I'll be right back."
The officer jogged back to his car and went inside. He stayed in there for a minute. A minute turned into 5. What was he doing? I checked my rearview mirror, and saw a huge grin on his face. He had been laughing his ass off, no doubt. What was so damn funny?
The officer approached my car again with a wad of tissues in hand. My face felt kinda funny. He handed me the tissues.
"Ok, listen. I'm gonna let this one slide because I know you don't need this kinda thing on your record."
Waves of relief swept over me and I smiled.
"Oh, thank you officer. That's really great."
He nodded knowingly.
"This was by far the most original way to get out of a speeding ticket. I've seen all sorts of characters, but you take the cake."
I stared back at him in shock. He knew!?
"Punching yourself in the face and starting a nosebleed? Man, that's good. The boys'll love that one. Listen, I want you to stay here until the bleeding slows down, and then make sure you press those tissues to your nose, and drive yourself to the nearest hospital. Your nose looks broken."
I looked in the mirror, and sure enough, my eyes were black and blue, and my nose was swollen as hell.
"Woah" was all I could come up with.
"Oh and slow down in the future." He said.
And with that he laughed all the way back to his car as I sat there, nose throbbing, and mulling over how much of an idiot I am. He drove away, and I looked at the tissues. It was already soaked in blood.
"Fuck! I'm such a fucking moron!" I thought to myself as I punched the glove compartment.
I heard a crack.
"Oh for the love of God, please tell me that was my hand that broke." I thought to myself.
Sure enough, that was not the case. I had broken the glove compartment. Motherfucker.
I guess that's one way to get out of a speeding ticket. Here's another more painless way to beat a ticket.
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